Just thoughts

I know I'm getting better already because it doesn't feel the same inside me anymore. I admire him and his talents as well as those brains he has. If there is one person I can trust, I know it is him. But it doesn't matter anymore because I am "one of those". He has people who almost treat him like an idol. haha, I find it quite funny, actually. Ok, and I am jealous about it but mostly because I can't share in it with him. I think I chose it to be that way because if I weren't me and if I were another girl, we would probably be quite good friends and we would still be able to meet. When we meet we talk and he would tell me about those stuff that I want to know.

I really miss chatting idly with him. I know I can't do that now because I am scared of what I will do and feel towards him. Yet he is very special to me. Don't know if he understands that. Maybe to him I really am just another person. After all I have done, I don't blame him if he feels that way. Haha, I just rebutted him and almost scolded him on his own blog. I was very sarcastic because I just didn't like what he and xxoo said about fat people. Don't know if I'm too harsh. It kind of broke my heart when I read that he felt there was nothing wrong with what he said, though he has a right to say what he feels. Is it because I have been socialized already and that they have their own unique, separate ideas? Is it because I choose to be politically correct while being damn sarcastic, while he chooses to speak out what he really feels? Am I being too much by commenting and emailing him? Somehow I would have loved to post all these on my other blog, but I can't because... I feel restricted. By myself? Somehow I have become very afraid of offending him, of talking to him. Somehow I feel like I'm walking on a field full of landmines. Is it only me? I know I think too much, but I don't know how much. Maybe everything is fine, but intuition tells me it is not. Maybe I am a field full of landmines myself. Yes, I probably am that.