4-month anniversary

Has it really been 4 months since he said we should remain as friends? Yes, I remember Friday, June 9th, 2006. I remember it was a friday. I remember that evening I had band practice. I remember that day I turned up at his house and made unreasonable demands.

I re-read my entries partly when he was still with me and when he wasn't anymore. He was sweet, very sweet. It's easy to fall deeper in love with him after reading his comments on my blog, especially now when I haven't fully healed.

He asked why I like him? I told him I don't know, but personally I'm very attracted to guys who are smart. Both academically smart and street-wise and he happens to be both. He's not a bad looker. He's responsible, although a bit too responsible at times, but it's ok because I was already thinking I don't want him to shoulder so much responsibility. Plus he's sporty, although he has an injury. He enjoys performance arts and that is very important to me. I find it very, very nice that a guy like him will attend Esplanade's lunchbox concerts, campus' lunchbox concerts, concerts outside and around Singapore... And just the arts, any type of arts. I like the solitude there is when we listen to music or watching something. It's beautiful when you can share the moment with the one you love. He doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't gamble. His reasonings, though a bit extreme sometimes and are flawed in some areas, are mostly logical and reasonable. I also like the way he holds me, the way his hand smoothes my skin.
I was the first girl he kissed willingly, he was the first guy I ever kissed. He made me feel good about myself. If we were still "together", I would have wanted to make love to him. I wouldn't have minded giving it up. Even now, I don't mind... ... Only now there is no love. It is pure sexual satisfaction. I love him and don't love him at the same time.

I don't know if I'll ever find a guy who is like him in those certain aspects. I'm very picky. =) And he happens to have what I really want in a guy and a future mate.

After this episode, I've concluded one thing: Love is very troublesome. It is also a very odd thing. Why would we feel so much for somebody who is not our family, somebody we didn't know before and have only known for a few days, weeks, months?

I don't think I want to get involved now. The after-effects are just too much for me. I like the fact that I can concentrate on my studies, look at physics equations with as much concentration as before. It's an exhilarating feeling, when all that is on your mind is your work. When the pain escapes you and you are not aware of time passing. I just realized it this morning.

I've come 4 months. So far. The beginning was excruciating, so bad you wouldn't understand if you hadn't gone through it. I really saw nothing. 4 months later I'm already much better and I thank everybody who have helped me. I think I need more time still. Let's see how things turn out from here.

If I could have erased him from my life completely, get out completely, I would. But fact is I can't. I want him as a friend, really want him as a friend. If only he could be my lover... that which is not to be. Not just lover but a partner.

Now I understand. People have different ways of getting over people. For me, I just have to keep falling and keep asking him the same questions, "Do you still like me at all? Why don't you? Can't we go back?" Each time he answers no, each time he says I'm not the type of girl for him, I fall hard, but the pain is necessary for me to heal, to get my feet back on the ground.

Happy 4-months anniversary.