Just thoughts

I know I'm getting better already because it doesn't feel the same inside me anymore. I admire him and his talents as well as those brains he has. If there is one person I can trust, I know it is him. But it doesn't matter anymore because I am "one of those". He has people who almost treat him like an idol. haha, I find it quite funny, actually. Ok, and I am jealous about it but mostly because I can't share in it with him. I think I chose it to be that way because if I weren't me and if I were another girl, we would probably be quite good friends and we would still be able to meet. When we meet we talk and he would tell me about those stuff that I want to know.

I really miss chatting idly with him. I know I can't do that now because I am scared of what I will do and feel towards him. Yet he is very special to me. Don't know if he understands that. Maybe to him I really am just another person. After all I have done, I don't blame him if he feels that way. Haha, I just rebutted him and almost scolded him on his own blog. I was very sarcastic because I just didn't like what he and xxoo said about fat people. Don't know if I'm too harsh. It kind of broke my heart when I read that he felt there was nothing wrong with what he said, though he has a right to say what he feels. Is it because I have been socialized already and that they have their own unique, separate ideas? Is it because I choose to be politically correct while being damn sarcastic, while he chooses to speak out what he really feels? Am I being too much by commenting and emailing him? Somehow I would have loved to post all these on my other blog, but I can't because... I feel restricted. By myself? Somehow I have become very afraid of offending him, of talking to him. Somehow I feel like I'm walking on a field full of landmines. Is it only me? I know I think too much, but I don't know how much. Maybe everything is fine, but intuition tells me it is not. Maybe I am a field full of landmines myself. Yes, I probably am that.

5 months in a well

I am very stupid. SP tells me I'm in love. I don't ever want to be in love again because when I fall for a person, I make everybody suffer. I'm too possessive.

I SMSed him today. So many times. I miss him so much. I guess he doesn't feel the same way. Already 5 months. I really don't know how to let go... How can I stop loving a person just like that?

nice

It's nice to read about him enjoying himself... =)

A "Missing" letter

I am so ironical. Wanting him to be happy but feeling upset/jealous that he's getting so much attention. haha. I can't figure myself out either. But today don't know why suddenly missed him a lot. Ok, maybe it isn't "suddenly", but it just suddenly increased a whole lot in the late afternoon.


Hi,

So many things are happening to you, but none of it I can be a part of, none of it I can share it with you, none of it you would tell me only. I am "part of the crowd". Out there and not noticed. A once was. Where are you now? What are you doing? How are you? I hope you are really fine and really happy. Today it hit me really bad that you are not by my side anymore. Without you, I feel as if a part of me is lost. I haven't seen you in only a week, but why does it feel so much longer. Do you notice my absence?

You once said somebody tried to tomorrow you. That was me, but I didn't say anything. I did it again just now, hoping they will pick you. Not sure if I'm doing the right thing because I'm afraid it will give you more pressure, with increasing traffic to your blog and the fact that there is yet greater restriction to what you can write. Yet I feel it should be done. Oh dear, now that I think about it, perhaps I really shouldn't have done it. I hope you don't mind...

I hurt inside and I think it would be some time before I can see you or talk to you again for fear that if I make contact with you, I will only bring you more hurt and burden. I wish to see you, though. Want to see you without you seeing me. I want to walk behind you without you knowing. I want to see you smile and you scrunching up your face. Want to see you eating, see you in that red OBS polo, see you doing your homework, just to see you walking would be enough too. I want to see you so much. I'm aware all this is too much to ask for, so imagining it all in my mind is enough.

I wish you well.

his happiness

I sense that he's much happier than before. It is to be like this without me, isn't it? His happiness stems from the absence of my presence. Then what's the point of being there anymore?

It's not a nice feeling.

aching heart

Hi my love,

Do you know my heart aches?

forgotten

Has he forgotten me? What would it take for him to forget? How long? Would he ever forget me?

Would it be better if I was forgotten?

Goodness. I just saw a closeup of his face on his photoblog and it brought back so many memories. I can remember how he smelt and how he felt. I miss him.

Forgotten?

I wonder if he has forgotten me.

He seems happy enough. I feel a bit left out. It's ok so far, just missing him a little, sometimes he pops into my mind unconsciously etc. It's surprising that I feel alright just watching him from afar. So long as he's happy, then it's ok.

Quote

Something that fallen angel's friend commented on his blog made me think.

I believe if you really love someone, you wouldn't do anything to hurt them .... Liking someone a lot doesn't mean you love them.

And it's true, isn't it? If I loved him, I would have continued to keep lying to him just to keep him from feeling guilty. Ironically the person's comment also mentioned something about cheating. If I loved him, I would have continued to filter my emotions into 2 blogs. If I loved him, I wouldn't keep hurting him in small ways.
Am I doing all these because I am a female and females can't keep to themselves? Or is it because I only liked him a lot and not love him? I prefer to believe the latter.
I believe I also happen to love myself more.

Anyway, it's much easier for me now because my feelings have dampened. I have ceased to comment on his blog or SMS him. Email is minimal except for informing him something is wrong with his blog. I've become used to telling him small minor errors, because I used to do that, whether be it grammer errors or sentence structures or just something aesthetically wrong on his blog. It's better to not contact him because then I won't feel hurt and I won't hurt him either. Firstly I'm sick of feeling hurt by myself no less, secondly he's had enough and I don't want to add to his problems. Some people are better friends than lovers. Wonder how it'll turn out between us. For now, I'd prefer to keep a distance between us.

pissed

I'm pissed. And it hurts me more that he wants me to heal completely, completely give up hope, not like him anymore.

need

I needed to talk to him. I needed to feel his arms around me. I was angry. I was really pissed. He didn't make me feel better. He doesn't have the need to do that. There was no obligation. He don't have to hold me. I don't have the right to ask him to. I want him to, but I cannot. He didn't have the obligation to listen, did not have to give advice.

I can't ever have him or anybody else. Keep far away from me.

sex toy

I'm a sex toy of the mind, behind the screens, behind keyboards. Aren't all women, in a way?

Lunch, again

I had lunch with him today. A very short and very odd one. Only 20 minutes or so, then with an hour plus to spare, we headed off in our own direction.
He looked very good in that black shirt.

4-month anniversary

Has it really been 4 months since he said we should remain as friends? Yes, I remember Friday, June 9th, 2006. I remember it was a friday. I remember that evening I had band practice. I remember that day I turned up at his house and made unreasonable demands.

I re-read my entries partly when he was still with me and when he wasn't anymore. He was sweet, very sweet. It's easy to fall deeper in love with him after reading his comments on my blog, especially now when I haven't fully healed.

He asked why I like him? I told him I don't know, but personally I'm very attracted to guys who are smart. Both academically smart and street-wise and he happens to be both. He's not a bad looker. He's responsible, although a bit too responsible at times, but it's ok because I was already thinking I don't want him to shoulder so much responsibility. Plus he's sporty, although he has an injury. He enjoys performance arts and that is very important to me. I find it very, very nice that a guy like him will attend Esplanade's lunchbox concerts, campus' lunchbox concerts, concerts outside and around Singapore... And just the arts, any type of arts. I like the solitude there is when we listen to music or watching something. It's beautiful when you can share the moment with the one you love. He doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't gamble. His reasonings, though a bit extreme sometimes and are flawed in some areas, are mostly logical and reasonable. I also like the way he holds me, the way his hand smoothes my skin.
I was the first girl he kissed willingly, he was the first guy I ever kissed. He made me feel good about myself. If we were still "together", I would have wanted to make love to him. I wouldn't have minded giving it up. Even now, I don't mind... ... Only now there is no love. It is pure sexual satisfaction. I love him and don't love him at the same time.

I don't know if I'll ever find a guy who is like him in those certain aspects. I'm very picky. =) And he happens to have what I really want in a guy and a future mate.

After this episode, I've concluded one thing: Love is very troublesome. It is also a very odd thing. Why would we feel so much for somebody who is not our family, somebody we didn't know before and have only known for a few days, weeks, months?

I don't think I want to get involved now. The after-effects are just too much for me. I like the fact that I can concentrate on my studies, look at physics equations with as much concentration as before. It's an exhilarating feeling, when all that is on your mind is your work. When the pain escapes you and you are not aware of time passing. I just realized it this morning.

I've come 4 months. So far. The beginning was excruciating, so bad you wouldn't understand if you hadn't gone through it. I really saw nothing. 4 months later I'm already much better and I thank everybody who have helped me. I think I need more time still. Let's see how things turn out from here.

If I could have erased him from my life completely, get out completely, I would. But fact is I can't. I want him as a friend, really want him as a friend. If only he could be my lover... that which is not to be. Not just lover but a partner.

Now I understand. People have different ways of getting over people. For me, I just have to keep falling and keep asking him the same questions, "Do you still like me at all? Why don't you? Can't we go back?" Each time he answers no, each time he says I'm not the type of girl for him, I fall hard, but the pain is necessary for me to heal, to get my feet back on the ground.

Happy 4-months anniversary.

I think people at this point will be thinking and advising me to let go. I don't know how to do so. I tried before, but when I think of the past, I can't. I look at him and I can't let go. If he didn't bother about me, maybe I can. But he does bother about me and I can't. I really cannot imagine my world without him. I thought I succeeded in letting go, but no... Why do I still hurt like this?

on MSN

I asked him can't we go back to how it was, he said it's very difficult. I asked why, he said because I'm not his type, then he apologized. I told him he doesn't know how I feel about him, then I bid goodbye.

I don't just like him. I think I really fell for him. But holding him is so wrong.

I don't want your apology. I just want your love.



What do you do? What do you do when you fall in love with somebody who doesn't like you?

Yesterday, a date with him

He brought me to Kovan CC to have fondue yesterday. I was very happy to see him and had a wonderful time chatting with him. I know him like I don't know others, yet I also don't know him like I know others. Does he not see or feel what we have between us? Or is it only me?

I asked him today why he brought me there yesterday. Was it because he wanted physical gratification? No, he replied, that's a stupid reason! I didn't expect to see anything. You said you wanted fondue for your birthday ma.

I really don't know why he is so nice to me, though in the end we each ended up paying for half of the price of the fondue. ... Heartache my $5. Anyway I don't understand why he's so nice to me, bringing me to go try fondue when I just mentioned on my blog that I want it, and when he made it very clear that he doesn't like me. Can anybody explain why? Are all guys like that? What is he thinking? Does he not know that usually after a session like that I'll feel emotional for the following days?

A lot of things happened. I'll update when I'm free.

Just covering it up

I broke my own heart.

It hurts. So I just force myself to swallow it down. And swallow. And swallow. And swallow. Until I can't feel anything. Until I automatically push it down without conscious effort. It's a conscious effort to smile and to talk, it's easier to keep quiet.

Then I start to lie, there's a need to lie and lie I do. I wonder if in the future I'd be able to tell the truth from the lies.

And if my heart will stop being numb. I know the pain is there, but I just can't feel it except for an ever present heaviness.

Enclosed in my little own world, with a hard casing. Protect me.

Lust

Lust.

When a man has lust, it's horrible. Because of lust, he says he can be my temp (bf?), kind of in exchange for the physical gratification. Because of lust he doesn't seem to take into consideration that I'd get hurt emotionally again. I've distanced myself such that now I don't know if I still like him, or if the action of pushing feelings into the depth of me has created the illusion that I don't have feelings for him. I have no idea if I still like him. Maybe I really don't anymore. It's all so confusing, but why is he reaching out to hurt me?

Lust is so powerful.

Normal guys and wanking

I really wish that he didn't MSN me because I get full of hopes. This time round I think I managed to curb it quite a bit. Deleting him from my list was a good decision. It's obvious that between us he's now just a normal guy. And normal guys talk to girls they wouldn't usually talk to because they are either 1) curious or 2) horny and feeling a need to be an exhibitionist.

I really don't quite mind watching guys masturbate on webcam. Actually they always switch off the camera when it's time to clean up. I want to watch them clean up, I like watching that. It's kind of nice in a way, even kind of arousing.

referral; not lying

If you are reading this blog, you should also read my other blog, A Replacement to Writing? to understand why this blog is here. Especially if you don't know me and happen to chance upon here, this is my secret blog, you have the right to go read my other, more public one. Just click on my profile and you'll find A Replacement to Writing? there. =)

And I'm not lying about being able to get over him.