KNN, another one

From rwrite

I can't forget him... The further away he is from me, the more I want him, the more I hurt... How? I can't... I really cannot... I really want to just see him again. A glimpse, a touch... Oh god, I cannot stand not having any contact with him... I'm doing things I don't want to do and not supposed to do, but still I do them... I really hate myself... Why do I even exist... Why did I even meet him if I bring more trouble to those I know... I want to see him again... Please, I just want to see him again...

This is like a night so long ago, when I laid on my bed at 6pm and cried myself to sleep, when I still scratched myself, when I had no energy to do anything, when he became paranoid of me, when he started to fear me, when I started to hate myself, when loud music could drown everything out, when cigarette smoke was heaven, when every smile was forced, when every laughter not enjoyed, when the light of my day was any form of conversation with him.

When I wanted to die but couldn't bring myself to do it.
I stood and watched the cars go by. One by one, so many cars, so many chances, all it took was one step.

My world is bleak and I don't understand why. I hate myself, I hate him, but I hate myself more. For being weak, for wanting to die when so many wants to live.

I just want to stand there and see him walk, see him smile, see him laugh, see him screw up his face... Wishes that have no point, that I know he'd say "if no point then don't think about it, wish for it or hope for it."

Now I see him.

Now I forever don't.

tata.