Absence

I feel his absence more than his presence and that's good, right? That'd be what he wants and that's what's ideal... Been seeing the little green dot right by his name in IVLE these couple of days and it's good to know that he's online, even for a little while. In fact, a little while is better than a long while.
It's getting better for me, I'm feeling ok, a lot better. In any case what right do I have l****** *edited* over him... Oi, all of you who knows how he looks like stop puking and making gagging sounds! He looks pretty fine to me horz!
I wonder what will happen to this blog the day I finally get over him and have no need to put what I feel someplace else. Maybe one day when I haven't been updating here for a long while it means that I've gotten over him . When that day comes, visit me at rwrite! =)

Wishing him all the best in his upcoming papers! It'll be over in lesser than a week.

note: edited because somebody said that he puked when reading that I LUST over him. =p

... miss him cannot isit!

Okay....

I miss him. Darn, this within minutes of my previous post...

good sign?

The time between the last serious heartache I felt and now is a week. It's getting longer. That's a good sign, right?

I'm happy today because he was discussing about army stuff with another person. Must not make sense to you all. =)

So is it a good sign, or is it just like my above sentence?

He went to have that thing injected into him and I have an inkling as to why it was done. If I'm right, I hope there are/will be good news. If I'm wrong, I hope he is fine.

Knowing what is it

Do you know what is it?

It is knowing everytime I SMS him that he will reply only the necessary. It is knowing that he will only reply once, whatever the case. It is learning to accept that that will always be it, that I chased him away and I have to live with that.

I can't quit school, because I'm on my own. I need that degree.

$%^#%

I WANT HIM. I wanted to say that I will use all means to get him, but no I won't do that. I don't believe in that. I want him. I want his heart.

Talking to my cousin eases things for me, it always does. Maybe I just need to engage myself in other things so that I don't think about it. Ok, I shall try the gym tomorrow, and then more studying.

DAMN IT, why did he dump me! Don't answer me, I know why! Fuck now we're hardly even friends.

Blogging is bad for me and my thinking.

KNN, another one

From rwrite

I can't forget him... The further away he is from me, the more I want him, the more I hurt... How? I can't... I really cannot... I really want to just see him again. A glimpse, a touch... Oh god, I cannot stand not having any contact with him... I'm doing things I don't want to do and not supposed to do, but still I do them... I really hate myself... Why do I even exist... Why did I even meet him if I bring more trouble to those I know... I want to see him again... Please, I just want to see him again...

This is like a night so long ago, when I laid on my bed at 6pm and cried myself to sleep, when I still scratched myself, when I had no energy to do anything, when he became paranoid of me, when he started to fear me, when I started to hate myself, when loud music could drown everything out, when cigarette smoke was heaven, when every smile was forced, when every laughter not enjoyed, when the light of my day was any form of conversation with him.

When I wanted to die but couldn't bring myself to do it.
I stood and watched the cars go by. One by one, so many cars, so many chances, all it took was one step.

My world is bleak and I don't understand why. I hate myself, I hate him, but I hate myself more. For being weak, for wanting to die when so many wants to live.

I just want to stand there and see him walk, see him smile, see him laugh, see him screw up his face... Wishes that have no point, that I know he'd say "if no point then don't think about it, wish for it or hope for it."

Now I see him.

Now I forever don't.

tata.

Comfort

From rwrite

It's ok, it's ok, don't cry. You'll be fine. You can get through this. There are a lot of things out there to do. You are giving up already, don't think about it anymore, there is no point. Ok? Forget it.

Jealous, heartbroken & giving up

I am jealous, ok? Very jealous. Extremely jealous.

And very heartbroken.

I'm swearing off relationships. Any sort of relationships. I'm very weak, don't want to go through this again, ever.

suffering inside

wo hen tong ku. How long more?

I really feel like asking him some stuff, but I cannot because I have no right to ask him. Some things are also better off not known. This person is right. It's worse when you want to cry but you can't cry because the tears just won't flow anymore. I don't know how to cry anymore. It has become an automechanism inside me to keep it in. But even mechanisms can go wrong sometimes. Yesterday my eyes leaked a little, just a little.

This won't end any time soon... So long ago there was once like this, why do I have to go through it again? I don't want to ever go through it again. Not ever. After this is over, that's it for me. I'm on my own.

Individuals

So many things remind me of him and the past. Never realized how much of the things in my life I associated it with him. Songs I listened to while talking to him, videos on his blog dedicated to my sister, places visited with him, chocolate he bought for me, jobs I had while he was still by me, things I ate that he took from my share, buses we took, things seen, topics talked about, concerts attended.

I can't tell if I miss him or the memories because I cannot imagine being with him anymore. Things changed too much. Seemed as if it's too long since we last met, when it has only been three weeks or so.

I'm gradually healing. I know because I can feel it. But healing does not mean that I don't care for him. Maybe in a different way and not as much as last time.

Always a maybe, never a certainty. That's how I advise my friends who needs advising/comes to me for advice.

Friends tell me things like forget him, he's not worth it, he's not your type, he's just an ordinary person. To me he is not and nobody will understand how I feel towards and about him unless you are me. Don't tell me what to think or do because it all doesn't matter. Sometimes we don't need a directive hand down a certain path. Sometimes all we need is a few uncertainties, a little bit of reasoning, a patient listening ear, no drawing of general conclusions, listening to the heart and the mind at the same time, not letting others impose on you their ideas and ultimately letting nature take its own course.

Because not everybody fits into a category. Every person who has dumped a person is an individual on his/her own and the person always have their own reasons for doing what he/she did, whether or not we know or understand.

Maybe all we need to do is to understand those who are hurt. Understand not with your ears and mind but with your heart. I find that the most effective way of listening to somebody spilling their problems.

still jealous

Jenny explained things to me. I'm still feeling very, extremely, jealous.

Horrible me.

Haven't seen him in such a long while.

Intensely jealous

I am intensely jealous. For all of the times I've been with him, he did not once talk about my blog yet now he has averii's featured on his. This jealousy is horrible, even I am afraid of it.

I am jealous, jealous, jealous. She's talented indeed, I must admit. Talented enough to capture his heart? Or am I thinking too much, too far? I didn't know that jealousy could feel like this, or the hurt that comes with the thought of looming possibility between him and someone else.

And do you know that with every word I type here, the pain eases in me? It is as if through the keyboard, this energy is drained from me and flows into this virtual space.

I haven't heard a peep from him, not a SMS, not a word, not an email... Nothing. Not even seeing him online. I'm starting to wonder if he has forgotten me, completely. I wonder if he still pops into rwrite or if my URL is forgotten. I really wonder.

For all the non-pain that I am feeling, I feel really bounded and scarred. To him, I might be a past, a history, non-existing, not important anymore. How can I live with that thought, when he is still as important to me? I am unable to erase all contact with him. I simply can't.

The person or the memories?

Missing him or just the memories? I haven't seen him online or in person in ages... Where are you? Are you hiding from me? Blocked me? I am jealous. I want to see you and talk to you. I miss your smile and laughter. I miss feeling you sitting by me.

Do I miss you or just the memories? Where are you?

continuation from rwrite

What is upsetting is not simply the fact that the slides were deleted but because I put in so much effort into them. The first person I SMSed was him. He replied me, for that I was glad, though I thought it was rather cold, but I guess he couldn't have said much anyway. I wouldn't know what to have said either if it was me.

I'm very grateful to MZ for her words though. Made me feel tons better. Thanks.

3 words

Hi honey,

I miss you.

Love,
Steph