An open letter

Isn't it odd? Over such a short span of time, he and I have gone from closer than friends, to friends, to acquaintance-near-strangers. Isn't it odd? The one person I looked forward to contacting and who used to contact me, now hardly do so. Ok, that isn't so odd. But isn't it a pity, though it might have been a necessity, for me to have lost somebody so important through my naiveness? How about that it was just not meant to be? Will there ever be anybody meant to be and will it ever matter? For the first time last year, I spent an hour of V-day with somebody. This year I'm alone again.

I really, really like you siu hang. Really do. The hello kitty's still with me, you know. It was meant for you and is still meant for you. I saw you walk past today but you didn't say hi to me. I have a feeling it was because you didn't want to, not because you didn't see me. It really hurt a lot, knowing that you wanted to avoid me. I'm sure you have your life, and maybe a fabulous one at that. I wish I could be part of your life. I wish you wouldn't erase me away like that. It really hurts a lot. Please don't ignore me. All attempts I have made so far, faced with so much rejection and so much coldness. I didn't know it'd be this bad. Could you please open yourself to me again? What a daring request I ask of you. I like you, I still really like you. Yet I sense your indifference towards me, perhaps even distaste. I ask myself many questions but there are never any answers and there never will be. I hope I am keeping a respectable distance away from you, but it hurts and sometimes I cannot help it. I like you, really do. Really. Sometimes I wonder if I met you at the wrong time. I wonder if I was a substitution for her, a distraction for a while. I admit I didn't know how to appreciate you and you have given me quite a number of chances, but sometimes... I wish for more. More time, more tolerance. I wish you could have taught me in a more gentle way rather than in this manner. You once said your "counsellor" told you to not care so much about me, I don't like what he said. I think I know who he is too. I don't like what he said, really don't like it. Sometimes I really hate that person, why did he say that? Yet I know that it is for your own good. He cares for you and know what is good for you and perhaps even indirectly, for me. I can say more about how I feel, but it doesn't help. Things are how they are today because of how I acted and reacted. Yet I can't help but wish that you wouldn't hate or dislike me. I like you, really. Really, really do. Do you know how apologetic I feel? Sorries don't heal, they don't do anything. But I'm truly apologetic towards you. I don't want to hurt you. So much to tell you, but there is no way. No right. You don't need to know, but I want to tell you silently how much I really like you. You don't need to hear, but I want to be there for you. You don't need anybody, but I'll still be there anyway, just in case.

And now this letter will be kept, stashed away, away from your eyes and your knowledge.