For some unknown reason today, I felt an urge to check my phone for a message from him. I don't exactly know why I'm feeling this way since I haven't been expecting any messages from him for quite some time. Then I checked his blog just now. Wow, so many comments. I was actually jealous because he didn't reply to mine but responded to the others. Perhaps there wasn't really anything to respond to mine. I was very hurt. Still am. I really, really miss him. It's only a few more days till 2 months since it ended and I'm still hurt inside. I want him back so much.
I realize I can't blog about these kinds of things in my other blog. I can sense how happy he is without me. Happy without me. I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to abandon myself, give in to my desires, don't think, live a double life. I don't know how long I have to bear with it. The pain today is fresh. Not only can't I blog about this pain there, I realize I can't leave comments on his blog in the same way anymore. I am now only one of those many people reading his blog, not even one of his friends or one of his better friends and it hurts. It hurts a lot. He's happy without me, diary, but I'm hurt and I can't tell him that. If I do, I'll hate myself forever.
With each passing day I feel myself slipping further. I find it increasingly difficult to control myself, differentiate between imagination and reality. I crossed the line today when I asked ZH to lend me his shoulder for a while. I'm taking something only imagined inside me and acting it out. I'm obeying my darkest desires. I know that it won't be long soon before I really lose it. I need him. I've never needed somebody like that before. I need his affection.
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