Him 1

Why am I writing here? Because I want to write about him and I can't do it over on the other blog. Why do I want to write all these down? Because I know that one day in the future I will forget how it feels like to have once like and desired him. When that happens, I hope to be able to read it somewhere how he once felt, smelt and tasted. I want to remember the nice things he did for me and the times we spent together. Because next time when I don't believe that it has ever happened, I want to be able to read this and know that it has happened.

There are so many things I want to talk about. 5 months isn't very long, but it isn't very short either. A lot of experiences are in my blog and his. Experiences that are captured at that moment, remembered best a while later. Now, 7 months since I last know him, he is no longer mine. There was a short, fleeting period when he once was. It was heaven then. Now I can perpetually feel the gap between us. Now to me he is partly a stranger or an acquaintance, a blogger I know.

The first time he held my hand, it was at J8. It was before we went down the escalator. He was standing on my right, his left hand went for my right. I was holding a plastic bag with rechargeable batteries inside. He tried to link his fingers with mine, and I was trying to do so as well. He found the plastic bag a hindrance, removed the bag and held it in his right hand, then his left hand took my right. That was the first time a guy ever held my hand purely for the sake of wanting to hold me. I had expected his hand to be softer than it really was. Instead, I was surprised at how hard it felt. It was rough too. I was a little disappointed. He moved his thumb over my hand while holding it, feeling it. I did the same. I wanted to know how his felt, if it was rough or smooth. I can't remember now, but I know from then on I always enjoyed holding his hand. He didn't have hands that were automatically warm. Instead, he was one who was afraid of the cold as well. I remember thinking that our hands were at the same temperature. He asked why am I rubbing his hand with my thumb. Didn't ask the question directly. Actually I can't remember how he asked. I didn't answer, I think. Just smiled and shrugged. On the escalator I leaned towards him and placed my head on his arm. He was so tall that the top of my head was level with his shoulder or maybe even lower than that. I caught ourselves in the mirror at the side. I liked the look of it. He asked if my shoulder was too high for me, I answered no and shook my head, then I lifted my head off. I mummured a question, why now? I don't think he heard. He just kept on holding my hand and rubbing my skin with his thumb. I knew we shouldn't be doing this so at the end of the escalator I pulled my hand away. He hasn't realized that I didn't intend to put it back into his later on. I reached for the plastic bag. He's realizing. He refuses. He tries to take my hand again. Throughout the walk from the escalator to the bus stop, he tries but I refuse. I want to, but I know I shouldn't. Finally he holds on to my bag like he always did. I once asked him in the past why is he always holding onto my bag. He replied that he wanted to hold onto something of me.
We got on bus 88 that day climbed onto the upper deck. He sat beside me and put his arm around me. I told him "but we're not together", he misheard me saying "but we're not together already," and replied "we were never together." I turned to look out the window, his arm still around my shoulders. Despite myself, I put my chin on his arm and linked his fingers with mine. He has his head on my shoulder. After a while he reaches his stop, he looks at me then finally get up and down the bus. At that time I felt like crying because I knew that I couldn't have him.
I asked him on MSN later on why did he hold my hand. He replied that partly because he wanted me to change my mind. Kind of go back to him, I suppose.

That day was the third time I had ever seen him.

Once he went down to Suntec to find me before meeting his friend. He messaged me the first day I was at Parkway Parade. I was still working for the mint then. He asked where am I. I said that I'm at PP, learned that he's at suntec and I felt quite bad that he was down there where he couldn't find me. Less than a week or so later he appeared at PP in front of my booth, but not before he sent an sms reminding me that I said we could hold hands the next time we met. When he appeared I was shocked and pleasantly surprised. He had to wait before I could go for lunch though. During the time he disappeared, he bought 2 chocolate-covered strawberries from a shop downstairs. The last time he bought those, we were at Esplanade. He's not one to spend on these and I was pleasantly surprised and touched that he did. He flashed the strawberries in front of me straight after lunch and I told him I didn't feel like eating it. At that time I was partly quesy and also because I didn't want to eat something he had given me so quickly. But I didn't know how to tell him that, so I didn't. I only told him that I didn't feel like it. That was bad of me, I know. It was so sweet of him. After that he asked me to open my hand and I did so cautiously. He grabbed my wrist and placed an oreo in it. Those in the small packets, one of those in the tin his mother bought him or something. The one he had been eyeing, the one he blogged about. It was sweet of him and I was happy because he was sharing with me something he liked a lot. It meant a lot to me, that oreo. I kept it in my bag for a while before I ate it later on. Can't remember when. He saw me back to my booth and say he would walk around for a bit. I told him to come find me first before he went off. After a while he came back. I told YY to man the booth for a bit. She said ok. I started to walk him to the bus stop. We said something to each other, I can't remember what. I think he asked if it's ok for me to just leave for a while like that. I can't remember exactly. I remember linking my arm through his. I remember his SMS about holding hands. I pulled him towards the door, in the process pulling his hand out of his pocket. I took his hand then. Why are you so cold? I asked him. I rubbed his hand for a bit. Rubbed each of his finger. When I was rubbing his middle finger, he was like eh eh. I laughed, apologized, slightly embarrassed. We reached the bus stop but I don't feel like going back so soon. I thought I would wait for his bus with him. We are still holding hands. My phone ring. I have to let go. It is YY. She can't find one of the items, needed me back. While talking on the phone, he has put his arm around my waist. I was startled at first, wondering what is the tickling. Saw that it was his arm. He was on my left, my right hand was holding my phone, pressed to my right ear. I cross my left arm over my waist to hold his fingers. After a while somehow I roll/turn in to face him. I need to tell him that I have to go back but it ended up with both his arms around my waist. I hang up the phone and proceeded to hug him. At that time I sincerely wanted to apologize that I have to rush back and just thought of hugging him as a means of apology. But when he held me, I didn't want to let go. I buried my nose in his shoulder, planted a kiss on it. Wondered if he would be able to feel it and felt slightly embarrassed at my boldness. It was a very fast hug. I let go very quickly. I had to rush back. Bye, I said. On MSN that night, he said that he wished he could have hugged me longer and that when I held his hand, he wet his pants a little bit. Till today I don't really remember that hug. I remember his arm around my waist but I don't remember that hug. I don't remember the warmth of his body. I think there must have been a space between us at that time.

The first time he ever tried to kiss me was on the bus. We met in school and then later on we went down to Clementi bookstore before he surprised me by getting on the bus I was taking down to Parkway Parade for my job. I was shocked, disgusted, resistant when he tried to do that. He was extremely apologetic. The next day he came down from school to PP to give me a box of DARS chocolate as a form of apology. All the way from NUS to PP after school. I didn't have school that day, I remember. The thing is that it was pouring when he came and he didn't have an umbrella with him, so that when he came in, he was drenched. Dripping wet. I didn't know what to say. I was surprised that he was there. We opened that packet on the spot and ate a couple there. I was thinking that I should give him my umbrella but I knew that I was going home earlier that day or something and I needed it. Actually I can't remember if I did give him the umbrella. I think I did. Either he rejected it or he took it. I can't remember. He went off after that. I remember his glasses were wet, his hair was wet. I was touched, very touched. All the way for a box of DARS and an apology.

The next time we met it about a week later, I think. I was dressed shabbily. Very unfashionable. We had lunch then went off to Bras Basah to find that literature book I needed. Almost at the end of the trip, I asked if he can don't ever do what he did on the bus the other day. I asked him because I desired to hold his hand again. I wanted to feel him and I needed an excuse. I knew he wouldn't do it without my permission again, I just needed an excuse. He said he won't. He asked why did I ask that question. I didn't tell him the real reason. I answered something else. On the ground floor, I walked slightly behind him, gathered my courage, picked up my pace and slipped my hand into his. Why...? he asked. Don't ask, I replied, staring ahead of me. It felt good, holding his hand again. We crossed the road, walked towards the bus stop, hand in hand, swinging slightly. I loved that feeling then. So simple, just holding hands and walking, no words between us. I loved that swinging of our joined hands. There was a happy, light, carefree feeling then. When we reached my bus stop, he said he has to let go of my hand for a while to give me my psychology textbook. I had almost forgotten about it. He had volunteered to carry it for me when I complained that it was heavy. Utterly sweet. He took it out of his bag and at that moment the bus came. I cursed inside my head. Too fast for me. I wanted to spend more time with him, I wanted to stay and wait for the next bus, but I knew that he needed to be home soon. It is not good for him to be out too late. His family would start to suspect something. I wasn't very sure by what time he needed to be home but I didn't want to trouble him, so I boarded the bus. I thought I could see in his eyes that he didn't want to leave so soon either.

I remember Wisma Atria. I remember Food Republic. I didn't have school that day, he met me after school at Orchard MRT. We had lunch at Food Republic. I was wearing my white racer-back tee and had my blue jacket over it. At FR, I had to remove my jacket to remove my bag so that we could go buy food. He was looking at me in a weird manner. While walking, his hands were in his pockets. I teased him. Are you feeling cold? I asked. Not really.. he replied. I knew what it meant. We bought our food. At the table he asked, why are you dressed so hot today? I wanted to laugh. I grinned, I think. I didn't think that I was hot. The real reason why I wore that outfit was because I wanted him to see another side of me. I wanted him to know that I'm not always kiddy like he thinks. I didn't like it when he was always saying that I was cute and kiddy. I wore that to prove him wrong. I also wanted to see what his reaction would be. Huh? I replied to his question. I think I told him something along the lines of I just wanted to wear it.

Kinokuniya, spent some time there. Finally I just took his hand when it was obvious he wasn't going to do it. I love the feeling of his hands on my shoulders or waist, steering me towards some place. I love it when he dragged me by the hand to look at some exhibit thingy within the bookstore. I love that feeling. He would hold me by my waist, stand real close to me, face real close to mine and we'd just look at whatever was in front of us. I was very aroused. Then when I was standing, facing the bookshelf, holding a book in my hand, reading the back of it, he came over and hugged me from the back. I couldn't concentrate on the book. I was reading and re-reading the same line. I could smell him, he was so close. My senses were tingling. I love that feeling, it felt so good. There was something jabbing at my back at that time and I didn't suspect what it was. I thought it was some plastic thing from his bag. It was so very hard that it hurt me from behind when he hugged me so tightly, but I didn't say anything. It was only later on when he hugged me a few more times that I realized what it was. I mentioned it to him and he was surprised that I could feel it through his clothes.

TBC another time.