Him 2

When a guy gets really hard, he gets really hard. I don't think people are lying when they say it becomes as hard as a rock.

The first time we kissed was... sloppy. =) What do you expect from two persons who had never kissed properly before! I remember being at Esplanade once, beside the river. That was the second time he chanced a kiss. He held me from the back and kissed my left cheek very gently. Then he leaned forward/across for my lips. The moment his tongue touched me, I withdrew, turned my face away. I didn't know why but I was scared. He always said that was when he took my first kiss. I denied it. He hardly reached my lips.

Ok, the first time we really kissed was at my house. Tongue and all. It was wet. Very wet. Couldn't understand why people liked it. Told you it was sloppy. Then the more we did it over a period of time, the better we became. Now that I think about it, he isn't that bad a kisser. I love the feeling of his mouth upon mine, how his tongue slowly learned to come in. He was very fast, his actions. I like his sucking. A couple of times he would suck on my tongue and refuse to let go so that my mouth was firmly on his. I couldn't move away because my tongue would hurt so all I could do was remain at that position. I would giggle at that strong suction. After a while I started to tease him by refusing my tongue into his mouth. He could suck, but he wouldn't get it. I was obsessed with kissing, really. I would tilt my head up and look at him and he'd know what I wanted. Most of the times he obliged, a couple of times he didn't. From the very first kiss, he frenched me. All I wanted was a simple kiss on the lips. When I finally got that, I was satisfied. It was on the bus home from J8. Before he got down at his stop, I looked at him and he looked at me quite weirdly, then he leaned forward and kissed me on the lips. It was natural enough. I finally felt as if I'd lost my first kiss. He never got it when I told him to keep his tongue in and close his mouth and kiss me that way. He gave me that simple kiss twice throughout the entire 5 months. I remember. The last kiss I got from him was also the last second time I met him during work. He frenched me then, in public, in front of so many people. I asked and he gave it to me. I think he really gave it his all then. I miss him.

I remember his hands. I like his hands and his arms. Tanned, strong. I like the way he held me. I like the way he would hug me. I like the way he would steer me out of harm's way. When he was there, I depended on him.

I remember his smell. I only managed to smell him once, really. No matter how I buried my nose in his clothes or against his skin, I never seem to be able to catch any scent. It disappointed me. I wanted to know how he smelt like. That one time we ended up at J8 again, when he wanted us to just remain as friends, I got a whiff of him. He leaned across to hear was I was saying on the bus and I got a whiff of him. Just like that. I stopped in the middle of my sentence, amazed, wanting to just sit there and breathe. I took another breath. I want to remember it, but already, that scent is slipping from my memory. Most of the times I don't even remember.

When we meet, we'd examine all kinds of weird stuff. It could be the way a door opened, the way a cube was folded, the way the escalator works...

I think about all these and I wonder if I was only a spare tyre. Somebody who was there at the right time when he was heart-broken over the other girl. I don't think he knows either.

Too many things to put down. Did we get further than holding hands and frenching? For me to know, for you to find out.

He never looked down on me. Never looked at my face and say that I was ugly. When I had a pimple outbreak he said he don't feel that it's really an outbreak, that he had seen people with worse cases than mine. He said I was cute from the first time we met.

Then it started changing. I don't know why. I think it's probably my fault. I don't want to go and think why. I've thought enough of it already. He went from Stephie to Steph, from wanting to see me to not wanting to, from desiring to resistance. Then one day his patience just broke, fell apart.

I still want him very much, but I'm very afraid of hurting him again. Or anybody else for that matter. Last night I was very certain that I do love him. Today I woke up afresh and I thought of flirting again. I've begun toying with guys for a bit, just to see how they react, and I like what I see. Like him, that guy like my online persona enough to well, like me. Unlike him, my instincts tell me that that guy's also some kind of a player. That's fine enough with me. I want to learn how to play - play without getting myself hurt. I want to see if I can make one fall for me, and then break his heart thoroughly enough, all without myself being involved. Even if there are no hearts broken (which would be great), I just want to have somebody desire or lust for me again. There's something inside that is welling up like nobody's business. Yet, I also fear that I'd be letting him down in some way. Maybe I shouldn't think so much. I should just play and have some fun first.