My friend always asks me why am I doing it, doing what I do. He says that if I gain satisfaction from what I do, then there is something wrong with my mind. I told him I don't see what is wrong with it, that this is me, this is how I am inside. I am not lying by saying that when I'm caught up in one of these waves. But when it's over and I'm back to normal, I'd feel guilty, I don't understand either, I never do until I'm in one of those times again. I've learned how easy it is to shut your mind off on the moral aspect when I'm in one of those times, but I've also learned how it comes back to bite you. It does not go away, it stains you in a way and although guys say they don't mind, they're lying. I don't think people forget what you've done, not especially when you made a choice to go back. It's not their fault, if I were them, I'd do the same thing. Sometimes I wish I weren't this way, I just want somebody special to love and dote on me. I don't need a lot of men, I just need one.
But it don't matter because when I'm in one of those times again, I'd go back and do it again. And again. And again. And again.
Call me what you want, think of me however you want. This is me. How can I expect another to love me?
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