Today a friend accidentally revealed to me something that HE said. It was only then that I realized to what extent HE would avoid me. At that instant, all I felt was anger. Anger at HIM, at myself and at my friend. And yet as I cooled down and thought about it rationally, I know this is irrational anger. My friend is not at fault, so I do not have to be angry with him. I am also unable to blame HIM because I have no right to do so. Perhaps most of all, I am angry at myself. 3 weeks of determination not to ever contact him again, broken by myself today.
Then I found myself wondering the same question I had though about over the years. From every action of his, it is obvious he is avoiding me and even guarding against me. No matter what my friends might say, only I know why he found the need to do that. Because as much as he wants to be free of me, he cannot. Not because he cannot do it, but because I cannot do it. What makes it all so difficult is the fact that our lives are so intertwined with common friends through the net. What makes it so difficult is that I can so easily access his site with a click on my browser and thus a peek into his life. Because of my lack of determination, it is good that he has taken that first steps to block me on MSN, to block me on twitter, to block me on plurk, to block me on practically everything else. It is only now that I can see the extent to which he wants me out of his life. And here is the question I have dwelt on all these years.
How do I get out of his life? How do I set him free?
Do I give up on these common friends? Do I change my lifestyle?
For a moment, I wish I did not exist. In that rage-filled 15 minutes, I sincerely wanted to disappear from the surface of the earth. The very sensible part of me pointed out it is extremely stupid to do so. As it is also extremely stupid to give up contacting my friends and changing my lifestyle. Or is it?
Actually, I do know what to do. The thing I have to do is to do nearly nothing. But is it enough?
Then it hits me. What I feel most of all is sadness, despair and regret at what I have inflicted on him, together with anger at myself for having done so. I sincerely wish I had never met him, nor knew him personally. This is my biggest life-time regret at this stage of my life.
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1 comment:
hey, don't be sad. i guess when someone behaves like that, you definitely deserve better.
even letting go hurts.
time would eventually heal all wounds.
hang in there.
after all my rants yesterday, i am still in the same boat as you. i haven't gotten over my ex either. sigh, but trust me. this is only temporary if the friendship is strong. it'll get better.
loadsa love from me!
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