Yesterday

Yesterday I ended up at his place again. It wasn't the first time, but it might just be the last time.

Yesterday felt the oddest. I felt distant, even a little disgusted and even more so, disappointed. Yesterday I felt how distant he was from me. Yesterday it was strange yet routine. Yesterday we went through the motions like it was nothing, and it was truly nothing, only that I felt a little more repulsed. I wanted to leave yet I also wanted to stay.

When it was thankfully over, I was out of the house in a mere 5 minutes. I wonder if I was chased out, or was his reason about his family returning home soon for real. I don't know anymore.

Then I went shopping and got myself a pair of black pumps for work the next day. I was spaced out and it was almost a pleasure to feel this emptiness inside. It has become like that, sometimes nothing unusual, just another activity. We talk over it a little, then it is put behind. I don't think about the details anymore.

Maybe what I need is somebody to make me feel like I am treasured and truly wanted. Not like yesterday - I had the feeling of being used and disposed of. Suddenly I had no desire to go back to that place again.