What else? him lor.

Last few days he was sick like hell. When I learned he still had a 39 deg celsius fever, I started worrying. I thought of the worse-case scenarios of hospitalization and even death. Surprisingly, I could not concentrate on much of anything, nothing seemed as fun anymore nor as purposeful. I checked his blog, the shoutbox's feeds and his twitters at frequent intervals. After I finished talking to daph, who had a sms conversation with him, about his condition, and fretting and whining to another friend, this friend urged me to message him, so I did, thought I was apprehensive about contacting him again. We aren't on very good terms, you see, and after my persistence in liking him and publicly "announcing" it, in a way, things just keeps spiraling downwards between us. He blocked me on twitter and msn and I'm surprised he has not deleted my number. Maybe he already has. In any case, you get the idea.

Anyway I was relieved when he replied my message the next morning. I had asked how he was feeling, if he was feeling better. He had replied that he don't know if it was better but thanked me. His name on my phone is a familiar sight. Then stupid me sent him another not-needed message... =(

He did a short post that day and mentioned how at times he felt as if he was going to just... go off. I seriously freaked out so I went to pray. Haha. I know, I'm obsessed. But I can't help it, I was super worried and had this nagging thought that he wasn't going to make it or something. So I offered a joss stick every morning/night for 2 days.

Yesterday he blogged again and was chatting on the shoutbox. I was relieved and glad. Today he could blog too and I know he's well on the road to recovery.

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I tried entering his blog just now but google disallows me from entering, saying I seem like a robot. *sarcastic laugh*

I half-wish he could read this so that I can tell him I don't know why I feel this way towards him. I really, really, really don't know. I was alright for a while back then, even thought I was completely over him. Then one day I saw him again and I found this feeling inside me somewhere. I realize the more I am cut off from him, the easier it is to handle, the less trouble it creates for him, for me and for everyone else. That's why I quit twitter. I could not twit and stand knowing he had blocked me, feeling as if I could reach him but there's this physical wall there.

I don't think he understands what I feel, random strangers have told me I'm crazy, dropping hints that I'm ruining his life... giving him pressure. I think I do. It rips me apart, hearing what others tell me, criticizing his affection I have for him, scolding me. Every time he avoids me, I am reminded how I cannot have something I very much desire. And it rips me apart. I think I don't understand how he feels and when I try to imagine how it is like, having someone you don't like hound you day in, day out, I found myself irritated and wanting that person to just go away. And it rips me apart all over again. Haha.

The moment he blocked me on twitter and on msn again, I gave up wanting to go back to him, gave up wanting him to understand, gave up wanting him to see me. All I wanted then was to have him as a friend again, to see his "hi" online, to see him laugh, to just be there even if I was not noticed. Then I realized I could tolerate not seeing him online, not having him talk to me if only I knew he was happy, if I could hear from others how he was doing. I remember, for the first time, putting his happiness before mine and because of that, I could watch him talking with others on the shoutbox and not type a word, knowing if I did, it is highly likely he would stop chatting.

My friend said I had learned how to truly love. I gave it some thought but don't agree. Back then, I said I still love myself more and I was doing all those because his absence calms my heart and because I much prefer calm than storm. Today, I think I am still right. I don't think I have truly learned how to love him. I am avoiding him because the lack of trouble if I keep mum is easier for all of us than the rush of emotions if I see him. That is why I am skipping the community's anniversary party, refusing to reactivate my twitter account, stopped going to community gatherings, and for a time, stopped talking on the shoutbox.

Well, anyway, I learned a lot from this.

Tonight I cannot get into his blog. I feel like something else is being taken away from me. I only have this much left of him, please don't take it away.
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Ok, I sound emo.