there is nothing there

Sometimes it isn't about him not physically being here.

It's when I talk to him, reach out and realize that there is nothing between the two of us. It is like we are on different frequencies, in two different but parallel worlds. There is nothing to be built, nothing that can be built.

When it is only a case of not by my side, there is the possibility of getting back together. But when there is nothing in common with that person, nothing between the two of us, then there is nothing at all. No possibilities.

It is like having schizophrenia. The people most important to you and the things you thought you had, they don't exist. Everything is in your mind.

Do you see why I cry? Sometimes it isn't because he isn't physically there, but because it was never there and it will never be. I fell for him but he wasn't there - I fell for nothing.

It's empty. I'm grasping at nothing.

Both ways it hurts.

Reaction

Ah, I see he has a new shirt.

Seeing his picture again was alright for me, no heart-thumping or furious blushing, just a smile and that's it. Though I really really really miss his arms.

But I can't talk to him, not yet. Can't look at him, neither listen to his name nor speak it, can't speak to him either, although I don't think there's a danger of that happening because he would avoid me anyway.

Cousin asked why or something along those lines. Because I like him, really really really like him.

It's stupid to be liking somebody whom you can never be with, though. Really stupid.

confused

Has he met somebody new already? One of his blog entry asks what to do when you see a good-looking person from the opposite gender.

Feeling confused. A bit of heartache, curiosity and nothingness mixed together. Just confused.

child-like

Eerily silent.

My attempts were to get his attention and if possible a couple of lines from him. Yet all I got in return was complete silence. Not a single word.

I feel like a child trying to gain the attention and affection of her parents.

With time

So long ago, he was still a relatively unknown blogger. Then I got to know him. Then we went out. Then before it could start, it ended. He became quite well-known, but he was never proud. Then I lost him. So many people. I feel so insignificant. He can never know or understand how much I admire and look up to him.

Another ability; no!

He can speak french?!

------------------
No I didn't ask Jenny to add him so that I could know his condition nor ask Jenny to ask him if he needs medication with the intention of buying for him and giving it to him through Jenny.

Please don't let him think that way!!

I think I'm thinking too much...

quick quick

Come on, come on! Somebody else quick post a comment on his blog to ask if he's alright! He won't reply to mine and I want to know!

strong, cold, cold

In the midst of my gastric pains today, I wished he was beside me, holding me. He's having diarrhoea. Hmmm, not so concerned already, you can say? Unlike that time I was so worried about him and that guy on the bus. In any case hope his diarrhoea will go away soon. It's so dumb to have affected his digestive system because of pulled abs. Shucks, pulled abs. Yar, whatever.

faded feelings (?)

The last post the last line, I just want to continue from there.

I like him, but I don't like him as much as in the past. I think.

"Why do you like him?"

I had a chat with my cousin today. Because this blog is for stuff that cannot be seen by him, a small section of it is here.

She asked me what do I see in him. Actually I already knew what I liked about him, but I know so little of him that it didn't really seem appropriate.
I like him because he is smart, he's sporty, he respects me, he can be really sweet, he's patient, he can cook, he's a family-oriented sort of person. By the way JY, I also like him because he doesn't smoke and doesn't drink.
I also told her that I don't like his stubbornness but he is also very cute when he is stubborn. I don't like it when he gets angry because it isn't easy to get him happy again and also because he'll keep saying that he isn't angry when he obviously is and it is very hurting when he does that.

Anyway I really like him.

a bit upset

I know it's been a long time since I last saw him on MSN and I should have gotten used to it, which I really have. But today looking at a comment of his on this girl's blog, I knew they have each other's MSN and it kind of hurts remembering I haven't been talking to him online nor seeing him online. It's really no big deal, but I'm just kind of sad. And I kind of misses the way he types "ooi" or says it... yeah, really time to just let go and forget it, huh. I know, I know...

back

I'm back. I don't feel much different. I thought this break for a little while would be good. I have never really stopped blogging for more than a day. This was 3 days. He sounded so happy in his comments. Have I talked about seeing him? Yeah, I have.

Tired. Shall go sleep now. Good night.

his interview; the same route

His interview went well! But he doesn't want the position. Hmm, kind of proud of him. Haha.

--------------------
I went back to AJ today because of a farewell party (kinda) for my former band teacher in charge. As I walked the route out of school tonight, I wasn't thinking of my class or the times I spent there. I was thinking about him and how he had walked this same route before, two years apart from me, and inside I felt... sweet. He had eaten the same foods at the canteen, probably went to the same classrooms, maybe sat in the same seats before and the same LTs. Isn't it amazing?

--------------------
There's a comment on his blog saying something about how he looked today. What does lengzai mean?

Interview?

His interview tomorrow? Kinda excited and nervous for him...